WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!

DOES A DAY TO REMEMBER DECIDE TO COME TO SAN DIEGO WHEN WE'RE BROKE?!?!?!?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!?!

I'm in dire need

OF CHOCOLATE.

This is Halloween.

25 things.

Rules: Start with "If you really knew me, you'd know..." Same rules as the 25 random things. Tag 25 people, once you've been tagged, you have to do this as well. Write 25 truths about yourself you want your friends to know about you.

If you really knew me, you'd know...

1. I believe in God.
2. I HATE it when people pronounce Ramon Noodles wrong.
3. I'm scared that an elephant is going to sit on me, and I'll never come out.
4. I had alot of friends in high school, but I always felt alone.
5. I get jealous very easily.
6. I used to think I knew what love was, until I dated & married Matt.
7. If I hate you, I'll be nothing but nice to you. That's just how I am.
8. I have PTSD, and I never talk about it. So don't ask.
9. I don't drink or smoke anymore.
10. Other than my husband, my nephew is the most important person on my life.
11.I used to have a pet hedgehog named Sonic.
12. I also used to have 13 pet baby possums.
13. I basically grew up at a BMX track. Yes, I raced.
14. I have alot of sensory issues and I took speak therapy when I was young.
15. I'm obsessed with McDonalds Monopoly.
16. Hippos are the most adorable animal to me.
17. I still get upset that all of my wedding pictures besides the ones family and friends took, are gone.
18. I like Tennessee alot better than California.
19. I've never seen Forrest Gump all the way through.
20. I start college in the spring to be a dental assistant, while working towards getting my teaching degree.
21. I always thought that Casey and Cappy should be together. (greek<3)
22. I hate being stuck in the house all day.
23. I never know when I'm full, so I eat until I feel sick.
24. I love pancakes and pizza more than any other food.
25. I'd rather read a good book than watch tv.

Ugh

I hate fucking things up, knowing I'm fucking them up, but yet I don't stop doing what I'm doing to fuck them up. Make sense? It doesn't to me.

What is this?

Praying? Asking people to pray for me? Actually asking God for things? I haven't been like this in years. I guess being around someone I love, who actually believes, has given me my faith back. I actually have something to believe in. This is weird, and wonderful all at the same time.

Day 10.

One confession.
1. I never tell people the real reason why I'm on depression medicine.

Day 9.

Two smileys that describe your life right now.
1. =D

2. ^_^

Day 8.

Three turnons.

1. Kissing on my neck.

2. Pressing on my hips.

3. Dirty talk, lol.

Day 7.

Four turnoffs.

1. Feet.

2. Happy trails.

3. Being conceited.

4. Your mom.

Day 6.

Five people who mean alot [in no order whatsoever].

1. Matthew Jordan Benson

2. Henry Allen Cain

3. Sara Elizabeth Cain

4. Hayley Michelle Benson

5. Theresa Anne Bratton

Day 5.

Six things you wish you’d never done.

1. Drugs.

2. Lost my faith.

3. Thought my life wasn't worth living.

4. Treated my family so horribly.

5. Cut my hair so short in the 8th grade.

6. Took all the pain you caused me instead of standing up for myself.

Day 4.

Seven things that cross your mind alot.

1. "Ugh, why am I so fat."

2. "We'd need alot of lawn gnomes."

3. "God, he's so handsome."

4. "WHAT?!?!?!?!"

5. These thoughts cannot be repeated outloud.

6. "Why is it sooo early?"

7. "Everything hurts."

Day 3.

Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Be my husband.

2. Be my husband.

3. Be my husband.

4. Be my husband.

5. Be my husband.

6. Be my husband.

7. Be my husband.

8. Be my husband.

Day 2.

Nine things about yourself.

1. I'm married.

2. I live in California, but I'll always be a Tennessee girl.

3. I have severe depression and PTSD that I do not talk to anyone about.

4. I'm hyper alot of the time.

5. I've never been as happy as I am now.

6. My favorite animal is a hippo.

7. I've dyed my hair sooo many times.

8. Once my good opinion is lost, it's lost forever.

9. I have to have my feet uncovered when I sleep or it feels like I can't breathe.

Day 1.

Ten things you would like to say to someone right now.

1. I love you with all my heart. You mean more than the world to me. You'll always be the love of my life, and my husband <3

2. I miss you and I'm so sorry I can't be there with you on Halloween. You're gonna make a great rockstar. I love you lovebug.

3. HAHAHAHAHHAH. Seriously, you're so ignorant.

4. I wish you would stop being so dramatic. Things change, and I know you've been hurt in the past but there's no reason to be overdramatic about it.

5. JUST SO YOU KNOW, nobody likes you. I don't see why you think they do.

6. I just met you, but you're becoming one of my best friends. Thanks for being a great neighbor :]

7. Please don't leave us.

8. I wish I talked to you more, because I really do miss you more than you know.

9. I miss sneaking into the attic to smoke with you. You were like my little sister, and I miss you so much.

10. I need you more than ever now.

I might as well.

DAY 1- Ten things you would like to say to someone right now.
DAY 2- Nine things about yourself.
DAY 3- Eight ways to win your heart.
DAY 4- Seven things that cross your mind alot.
DAY 5- Six things you wish you’d never done.
DAY 6- Five people who mean alot [in no order whatsoever].
DAY 7- Four turnoffs.
DAY 8- Three turnons.
DAY 9- Two smileys that describe your life right now.
DAY 10- One confession.

It's official.

I love the way he looks at me when I wake up in the morning. I love the way he bumps into my hand right before he holds it. I love the way he laughs at me when I ask to watch him shave. I love the way he kisses my cheek, right on the cheekbone. I love his skin tag. I love the fact that he doesn't care about money. I love the way he looks when he sleeps.

It's official. I'm in love with my husband.

500 Days of Summer

was probaly the greatest movie of my life. I've watched it 3 times in the past week. Hah!

Anyway, we're doing really good on money for the first time in forever. And we went to dinner with our neighbors last night. I've got a friend now and I'm starting school next semester. It's like my life is finally falling in place.

I couldn't be happier than I am right now.

My love story.

Sophmore year, lunchtime. I was sitting at my usual table with a bunch of friends just talking and laughing. When all of a sudden, a boy walks up and starts talking to one of my friends. My face filled up with blush as he was talking. When he left, I asked my friend who that was. His name was Matt, but they called him Benson.

All that year, he came to our table time to time and talked. I became friends with him, but I had a boyfriend (whom at the time I was very happy with). But I was determined to become closer with him. He was such a nice guy.

The following year, we had imaginative writing together. We shared so many laughs and conversations with eachother. I was actually excited to go to school. I had something to look foward to. I had someone to laugh with. I couldn't help but glance at him throughout class. My relationship with my boyfriend was getting very complicated, as was his with his girlfriends. We talked about our relationships with eachother, helped eachother, and listened to eachother. We became the best of friends.

Then, he left for boot camp. He was becoming a marine. I wrote to him almost everyday when he was in bootcamp. I would run home everyday, check the mail, just to see if I got a letter from him. And when I did, I'd jump up and down, and reading it was the first thing on my list. My boyfriend and I at the time fought nearly everyday.

Matt eventually made it through bootcamp, but was then stationed in Florida. I talked to him everyday still, and he helped me through so much. Finally, my boyfriend and I broke it off. I was heartbroken. Matt was the first one to make me smile. He told me "Lauren, I love you to the day I die in Afghanistan, and then some." For some reason, this made everything better. That was the day I knew I had feelings for him.

Eventually, those feelings came out, and he told me he had the same feelings. So we talked for a few months, and then before I knew it, he was coming home for Christmas. He suprised me at my doorstep two days before he told me he was going to be home. I was wearing my pjs and my hair was a mess, he was in his dress blues. It was, in my mind, the most romantic thing possible. That night, I brought him my famous peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (nipple cookies) and he asked me out.

We spent as much time with eachother as possible before he had to go back to Florida. And even though he was miles away, I was still falling head over heels for him. He was my best friend, and now so much more.

He visited several times after that. One of those times was Valentines day. We went to Sonic, twice, Chuck E Cheeses, and Walmart. Random, I know. Then we went to Lakeview Playground, the first place we went on an actual date. We chased eachother around and played on the swings. After swinging for a few minutes, he tagged me and ran off. I took after him. I caught him on top of the playground and hugged him. Then he started asking me questions like, "Do you love me? Could you see yourself with me forever?" and finally, "Will you marry me?" I told him of course I would marry him. Then he got down on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "No, I'm serious. Will you marry me?" I hugged him as tightly as I could, with the biggest smile on my face, and said yes.

I knew he was the one for me. And on May 29th, 2010, I became Mrs. Matthew Benson. Now I live in California with him, and I couldn't be happier.

This is my love story, and the pages are still filling up, and they'll keep filling up until death do us part, and then some.

I love True Blood.

I was seriously cracking up at this.

Self Esteem.

I have very low self esteem. I have horrible anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I never talk about my past with anyone, and most of the time I act like it never happened. I block it out of my mind, but sometimes it forces itself through, and I get into this state of depression, and it's hard to come out of. Ever since I've been on lexapro though, it's gotten alot better. I rarely have panic attacks, and when I have flashbacks, I can usually get through them very quickly. Matt understands all of this, and I've told him about my past. He's helpful and understanding. But to say the least, I'm getting better.

But onto my self esteem. Ever since I was in the 7th grade, my mom said I needed to lose weight. She told me to "suck it in" (referring to my stomach) before I went to school and for pictures. It hurt me so much. I had eating disorders after that, and to this day I still think of myself as overweight. Everytime I look in the mirror I hear my moms voice telling me to suck it in. I do need to lose a couple of pounds I'll admit, but for the most part, I'm fairly skinny. I just wish I could suck up my self esteem issues and get to the weight and shape I want to be in.

I just don't know what to do. Any advice?

I think I have this disease.

Jumping frenchman disorder: The main characteristic is that patients are extremely startled by an unexpected noise or sight. It's not just twitching when someone sneaks up behind you. Patients with this disorder flail their arms, cry out and repeat words. First identified in some of Maine's lumberjacks of French-Canadian origin, the odd reflex has been identified in other parts of the world, too.

A few words.

There are a couple of things I've wanted to say to some people for a long time, but I can't seem to find a way to do it. So, I figured blogging would help it.

-I think you are pathetic. You have to have EVERY guy paying attention to you. You use one of my best friends just so he buys you stuff, you tell him you want to be with him, and then you go fuck a child. Do you not get that he is under your age? Honestly, that's a little gross. You have guys wrapped around your fingers, and you don't seem to care if you hurt anybody. You say you're soooo grown up now that you're in college, but you're not. You're still that pathetic little high school girl who has to have every guys attention. Grow up.

-Why in the hell do you think we are friends? I've deleted you several times and you keep trying to talk to me. Stop.

-I love you to death, but I really wish you woul stop doing drugs. You're going to eventually get kicked out if you keep it up. You're so much better than you think you are, I wish you would realize that. Matt & I love you very much, I just wish you would love yourself.


I wish I had the guts to tell them this.