My love story.

Sophmore year, lunchtime. I was sitting at my usual table with a bunch of friends just talking and laughing. When all of a sudden, a boy walks up and starts talking to one of my friends. My face filled up with blush as he was talking. When he left, I asked my friend who that was. His name was Matt, but they called him Benson.

All that year, he came to our table time to time and talked. I became friends with him, but I had a boyfriend (whom at the time I was very happy with). But I was determined to become closer with him. He was such a nice guy.

The following year, we had imaginative writing together. We shared so many laughs and conversations with eachother. I was actually excited to go to school. I had something to look foward to. I had someone to laugh with. I couldn't help but glance at him throughout class. My relationship with my boyfriend was getting very complicated, as was his with his girlfriends. We talked about our relationships with eachother, helped eachother, and listened to eachother. We became the best of friends.

Then, he left for boot camp. He was becoming a marine. I wrote to him almost everyday when he was in bootcamp. I would run home everyday, check the mail, just to see if I got a letter from him. And when I did, I'd jump up and down, and reading it was the first thing on my list. My boyfriend and I at the time fought nearly everyday.

Matt eventually made it through bootcamp, but was then stationed in Florida. I talked to him everyday still, and he helped me through so much. Finally, my boyfriend and I broke it off. I was heartbroken. Matt was the first one to make me smile. He told me "Lauren, I love you to the day I die in Afghanistan, and then some." For some reason, this made everything better. That was the day I knew I had feelings for him.

Eventually, those feelings came out, and he told me he had the same feelings. So we talked for a few months, and then before I knew it, he was coming home for Christmas. He suprised me at my doorstep two days before he told me he was going to be home. I was wearing my pjs and my hair was a mess, he was in his dress blues. It was, in my mind, the most romantic thing possible. That night, I brought him my famous peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (nipple cookies) and he asked me out.

We spent as much time with eachother as possible before he had to go back to Florida. And even though he was miles away, I was still falling head over heels for him. He was my best friend, and now so much more.

He visited several times after that. One of those times was Valentines day. We went to Sonic, twice, Chuck E Cheeses, and Walmart. Random, I know. Then we went to Lakeview Playground, the first place we went on an actual date. We chased eachother around and played on the swings. After swinging for a few minutes, he tagged me and ran off. I took after him. I caught him on top of the playground and hugged him. Then he started asking me questions like, "Do you love me? Could you see yourself with me forever?" and finally, "Will you marry me?" I told him of course I would marry him. Then he got down on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "No, I'm serious. Will you marry me?" I hugged him as tightly as I could, with the biggest smile on my face, and said yes.

I knew he was the one for me. And on May 29th, 2010, I became Mrs. Matthew Benson. Now I live in California with him, and I couldn't be happier.

This is my love story, and the pages are still filling up, and they'll keep filling up until death do us part, and then some.

I love True Blood.

I was seriously cracking up at this.

Self Esteem.

I have very low self esteem. I have horrible anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I never talk about my past with anyone, and most of the time I act like it never happened. I block it out of my mind, but sometimes it forces itself through, and I get into this state of depression, and it's hard to come out of. Ever since I've been on lexapro though, it's gotten alot better. I rarely have panic attacks, and when I have flashbacks, I can usually get through them very quickly. Matt understands all of this, and I've told him about my past. He's helpful and understanding. But to say the least, I'm getting better.

But onto my self esteem. Ever since I was in the 7th grade, my mom said I needed to lose weight. She told me to "suck it in" (referring to my stomach) before I went to school and for pictures. It hurt me so much. I had eating disorders after that, and to this day I still think of myself as overweight. Everytime I look in the mirror I hear my moms voice telling me to suck it in. I do need to lose a couple of pounds I'll admit, but for the most part, I'm fairly skinny. I just wish I could suck up my self esteem issues and get to the weight and shape I want to be in.

I just don't know what to do. Any advice?

I think I have this disease.

Jumping frenchman disorder: The main characteristic is that patients are extremely startled by an unexpected noise or sight. It's not just twitching when someone sneaks up behind you. Patients with this disorder flail their arms, cry out and repeat words. First identified in some of Maine's lumberjacks of French-Canadian origin, the odd reflex has been identified in other parts of the world, too.

A few words.

There are a couple of things I've wanted to say to some people for a long time, but I can't seem to find a way to do it. So, I figured blogging would help it.

-I think you are pathetic. You have to have EVERY guy paying attention to you. You use one of my best friends just so he buys you stuff, you tell him you want to be with him, and then you go fuck a child. Do you not get that he is under your age? Honestly, that's a little gross. You have guys wrapped around your fingers, and you don't seem to care if you hurt anybody. You say you're soooo grown up now that you're in college, but you're not. You're still that pathetic little high school girl who has to have every guys attention. Grow up.

-Why in the hell do you think we are friends? I've deleted you several times and you keep trying to talk to me. Stop.

-I love you to death, but I really wish you woul stop doing drugs. You're going to eventually get kicked out if you keep it up. You're so much better than you think you are, I wish you would realize that. Matt & I love you very much, I just wish you would love yourself.


I wish I had the guts to tell them this.